A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
