She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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