She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
