Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
