Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
