The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
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