Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
