you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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