Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
my liver is dry heaving
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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