dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
