the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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