He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
