I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I checked into jail on foursquare
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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