i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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