Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
