508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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