omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
