I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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