My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
