imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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