I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
