I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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