Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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