have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
