pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
two words: eviction party
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
