I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
