Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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