If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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