doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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