I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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