I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
