I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
