please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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