I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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