Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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