I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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