The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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