Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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