I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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