We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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