I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
