capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
