My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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