sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
