The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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