So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
