I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
