Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
