he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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