take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You can't special order awesome
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We had sex on a dog bed..
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
