he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
