I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
