My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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