Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
