can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
