At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
