Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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