yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
