I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
