Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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