4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
