I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
